My son, Landyn, has been in counseling for over 3 years. He has regularly scheduled sessions with his counselor every other week. This is one of many small parts where I see God’s hand at play because we already had a session scheduled.

On Tuesday afternoon, Landyn was in science class writing and drawing in his journal. He had asked his teacher if he could go see their counselor because he was having thoughts of not wanting to live anymore and needed to talk with her. He went to talk with his school counselor and told her that he had not told me anything he was feeling or what was going on. He shared with her that he did not want to bother me and tell me because his sister had shared about a week prior having thoughts of stabbing herself so he did not want to worry me. After talking through things, she gave me a call with him in the room to let me know that they had spoken, he was having some thoughts of self-harm, having issues with a friend group, and wanted to make sure I knew. When she called, I was already on my way to the school to pick him up for counseling. We drove straight from school to his counselor.

By the time we got to his counselor, he was acting very hyper more than normal. He revealed to his counselor that he had plans to hurt himself, he had already done self-harm, and just did not see a point in living. Between that and how much his mood was fluctuating, when I went to pick him up, she said that she was very concerned and that it was her recommendation for me to take him to the ER and to try to get inpatient help.

I immediately reached out to my mom and sister to let them know what was going on and that I would be taking him to the ER. I called my grandma to see if she could watch the girls while I took him. Here is another part of where I saw God working and his hand at play. I was not expecting to stay at the hospital as long as I did with him but it just so happened to work on that my grandma did not have to work the next day. So when we had to stay overnight, she did not hesitate to keep the girls over night and all day Wednesday.

We checked into the hospital just after 6pm. We went back to a room where he spoke with a nurse privately and she shared that he was a high risk case so they began taking EVERYTHING out of the room and he had to have a sitter sit outside his door at all times. Hearing the nurse tell me he was high risk just made me realize how much worse it was than I realized. We were told he would have a conference with a Crisis Counselor and they would determine if he were safe to go home with a safety plan or needed something more.

It was more than an hour that we waited for him to speak with a crisis counselor. She asked me different questions and then spoke with him privately while we waited outside the door. When their session was done, we came back into the room. She explained that he had shared with her he was hearing voices to hurt himself-again something I was not aware of. She said that she was going to talk with the psychiatrist but that she wanted to admit him to inpatient for 5-7 days. I do not think at that point Landyn realized exactly what was about to happen or how hard it was going to be. We were told they were going to get a room for him and transport him there. Around 11:30 pm, we were told there were no beds for him and that he was going to be admitted to the hospital and have to stay there. We were told he would be transferred in the morning. I asked if I could stay with him because I could not stand the thought of leaving him there. They brought me a bed to lay in myself.

I remember when he finally was able to fall asleep probably after 1 am that I just stared at him and watched him sleep for a few hours and cried out to God to help my son. I told God I had no idea how to do this and how to get through this but I just wanted my son to be okay. I did not sleep well at all. The next morning came and we woke up thinking it would be soon that he was going to be released. I called the Crisis center myself to ask for an ETA and they told me that he would be transferred today and admitted there but they could not give me a time yet because they were waiting on kids to be picked up and released. This was around 9am when I called. She shared that there were no open beds in for peds in the state of Indiana right now. So we waited and waited. Waiting was the hardest part. I was ready to get that part over with so I could deal with the hurt that was going to come from saying goodbye.

My mom was there with us and by my side the whole time. She let me leave for a little bit to go home and shower and put on clean clothes and take care of the dogs. The longer we were there, the worse it was. Landyn was bored and was not sure how to feel about everything. He started to get aggressive and was doing things just to see how far he could push the boundaries. I remained calm and ignored him the best I could while he hit me and kicked me, called me names, flipped me off because I know in my hear that was not my son. I know in my heart he was struggling and did not know how to process and handle everything. He made threats to hurt himself and tried to hurt himself more in the hospital while we were waiting. There was NOTHING I could do to help him.

Finally, after being in the hospital for over 24 hours, he was loaded up into an ambulance and taken to a crisis center in Indianapolis. The moment they shut the doors of the ambulance, I lost it. This was my baby. I could not help him. I could not take away his pain. We walked to our cards and my mom just held me while I sobbed and let it all out. I left the hospital to go pick up the girls. As soon as they saw me, they hugged me and started crying saying they were scared and missed there brother. We drove home with us all three in tears. I knew I was going to have to pull myself together to be strong for my girls.

When we got home, I explained to them that bubby was getting the help he needed and would be back home soon. I told them to think of it like he was going on a trip like he did when he went to DC. Iris looked at me with tears in her eyes and said “Mommy, I am going to say bubby is a Great Wolf Lodge playing Magi Quest and defeating dragons.” So yes, bubby is currently away slaying some dragons he has and will be home when he has slayed those dragons.