I think it is so easy to blame or question yourself and wonder the what-ifs. I know I have been questioning myself.

Why did I not see or know he was hurting so bad?

Why did I not realize that the medication the doctor put him on was a generic Zoloft-which he had previous mental health issues with in second grade?

What did I do to hurt him? Did I make things worse by what I said, did, did not do, etc.?

Why did I pass this depression onto my son?

God I have no idea how to do this and be strong. I apologized to God repeatedly for whatever I have done that could have made things worse for my son. I sat on my bed after the girls went to bed that first night and played “I Speak the name of Jesus” by Katy Nichole.

As she was singing, I shouted the lyrics to God. God I pray for healing for my son. I pray for his circumstances to change. I pray that the fear inside his life would flee. I pray all of his in Jesus Name. I pray that a break through would happen for him. I pray for a miracle for my son.

I know I cannot worry myself with the whys or what-ifs. I know that what is important now is that I am getting him the help he needs.

I keep telling myself and reminding myself that I would rather go through this a million times over than the alternative of never getting him help and risking the chance of planning my son’s funeral and not seeing him again.

But man is this hard. I am breaking. I am numb. I have no idea how to feel. When I start to cry and breakdown, I cannot stop.

Not only can I not be there to hug my son tight and help him but I cannot take away the pain that my girls are experiencing either. As a mom, seeing your kids hurting and not being able to help them is heartbreaking.